


In What I Have Failed to Do

by notyouranswer (gorgeouschaos)



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Angst, Catholic Guilt, Gen, Indirect Self-Harm, Matt Murdock Angst, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Roman Catholicism, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21655333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gorgeouschaos/pseuds/notyouranswer
Summary: Matt’s life had always been about how far he could push himself.His whole life had been a lesson in how much farther he could go, in how much longer he could last, in how much pain he could take before he had to stop.Daredevil was no exception.
Kudos: 49





	In What I Have Failed to Do

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!  
> Warnings:  
> The self-harm is... indirect or passive, I guess I would call it? It's not direct. But please take care of yourself and feel free to ask if you want any more information.  
> Also, just to clarify: this isn’t healthy or regular Catholicism. This is Matt being incredibly self-destructive.  
> Author's note:  
> This was written in about half an hour so hopefully it's okay.  
> As always, thank you for reading, hope you like it, and feedback makes my day :)

Matt’s life had always been about how far he could push himself. 

As a kid, it had been how late he could stay up watching his dad fight, how fast he could learn to read Braille, how well he could learn to fight. 

In college, it had been how much he could memorize, how quickly he could heal after Elektra broke his heart, how well he could pretend that he was normal and that Nelson & Murdock could actually work.

As a lawyer, it was how much time he could put into each case, how many clients he could help, how many people could he convince of someone’s innocence.

Matt’s whole life had been a lesson in how much farther he could go, in how much longer he could last, in how much pain he could take before he had to stop.

Daredevil was no exception.

_I have sinned... in what I have done and in what I have failed to do._

Every Mass, Father Lantom led the congregation in the confiteor, the prayer to ask God and everyone else for forgiveness. Matt always felt that failing to act was the one thing he could not ask forgiveness for.

The day before he put on the mask for the first time, Matt sat in the pew and wondered if this prayer covered what he was about to do.

Matt became the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen because someone had to, because someone had to help that girl since God sure as hell wasn’t going to, because Matt wasn’t an angel but he could be a devil if that was what it took to save her. 

Someone had to. That’s what Foggy didn’t get, at first. 

Someone had to and no one else was going to. Matt put on the mask.

Every night Matt couldn’t save someone he knelt, clasped his bloody hands, and prayed for forgiveness for what he had failed to do.

Matt’s whole life had been an exercise in pushing himself farther. As Daredevil, sometimes it felt like he wasn’t pushing himself farther so much as punishing himself for finally finding his breaking point.

(The question was no longer how far Matt could push himself. Not really.

It was if he could save everyone. It was if he could step into every fist’s path, every bullet’s trajectory. 

It was if he could be good enough.

He never could.)

Claire told Matt to take care of himself, to stop pushing himself so hard, to stop going out injured and exhausted. She told him what he was doing to himself wasn’t healthy.

Matt gave her a tired smile and made no promises.

The pain made him better. It reminded him of his sins and of what he had failed to do. 

It was a reminder that he had a responsibility to everyone in his city and it was a punishment for when he failed to uphold it.

The pain was his duty and his salvation.

Foggy begged Matt to stop getting hurt and, when that didn’t work, to at least be more careful.

He begged Matt to stop.

Matt didn’t know how to tell Foggy that he’d never been able to stop. Matt was a criminal and a vigilante and a sinner but he was not going to add another name to the list of all the people he’d failed to save.

Being Daredevil would kill him one day. Matt had never questioned that. The moment he decided to answer a girl’s prayers, he knew he had sealed his fate. The only question was how long he had left.

Matt never questioned where he was going. Matt knew he was a damned man. 

At least he had tried to make it a question of what he had done, and not what he had failed to do.


End file.
